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some thoughts (no particular order)

I keep falling. Have you ever been with someone who makes you entirely happy, someone that makes you completely comfortable? It’s like I’ve known her all along yet there’s still so much more to learn about her. To learn about us. And while I may always seem detached and apathetic to the rest of the world, I’m really a hopeless romantic. I plan things out meticulously. I think of what I’m going to talk to her about when I’m on the way to pick her up. Of course, nothing really ever goes to plan but that’s the best part.

—-

There’s many times throughout the past few months that I’ve wondered what I’d do if I wasn’t pre-med / physiology major / Asian. Of course, there’s no doubt that that’s what I want to pursue but the thought has been “If I had to do something else besides health, what would I do with my life?” or, alternatively, the more facilitating thought usually is “If I had the resources, what else would I do?”

Surprisingly, it wasn’t a hard thought. I love design. I love simplicity. I love architecture. Best yet, I love coffee and tea. If there’s anything else I could do, I’d open a coffee house / tea house (yes, a BUBBLE TEA shop). Not just any ol’ store, but an amazing one. One that people will step into and say “Wow.” Simple, with lots of space. Dark hardwood floors (maybe white marble, if we’re talking unlimted resources). Comfy leather couches. Real art on the walls (canvas on wooden frames) with spot lights. A classic, yet creative logo. Minimalistic menus with amazing typography and prices without the “$” and the “.00” Art exhibits and private parties. It’d be small, but successful. Heck, maybe I’d even open two before I start a nonprofit to raise money for orphans in Vietnam.

That’s where you’ll find me in a couple of years if this med school thing doesn’t work out.

—-

I’m graduating in a month and a half. Fuck.

selfish

It’s my fault that things are complicated. I can’t make time for you because I don’t even have time for myself. I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I don’t know where I’m going to be in the future. I don’t know what I want from this, from us.

I haven’t figured out my own life yet. You say “Who has?” but just give me a moment to myself right now. Let me be selfish, just for a while.

still learning

Somewhere along the way, I was taught to speak up for myself, to be assertive, and to stand ground for what I want.

I did and I lost a friend because of it. I stepped up and said what was on my mind. I threw in “disrespect,” “I don’t appreciate,” and “you crossed a line” because that’s really how I felt. Stupid me. I thought that if I spoke up and told them what was bothering me, they’d understand where I was coming from, apologize, and move on… Because that’s what friends do and, somehow, I thought we were good friends that wouldn’t let something like that come between us.

It probably wasn’t even worth it. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should’ve just let it go. Right?

11

I’ve always had a plan what I want to do and where I want to be. Somewhere along the way, I realized that I was behind. I pushed things off; I always told myself would do things tomorrow, next week, next quarter, or next year. I always said I would do more and do better but I never did. It wasn’t until I was half way through my third year that I realized that time was running out. The weeks, quarters, and years passed by so fast and I wasn’t where I thought I would be. Things weren’t going according to plan.

Because I had a slight idea that this was would happen, the hardest part was not realizing this but accepting it. I told myself and my family I had to take a year (knock on wood) off of school after graduation. There was a little disappointment in their eyes but they had to accept it. I had to accept it.

Thus, last year was kind of an stressful roller coaster for me. There were times when I was so stressed out about life and there were times when I didn’t give a fuck. My cortisol levels were oscillating off the charts. Whenever I was stressed with the present, I would start worrying about the future and that stressed me out even more. I shut off my social life for a while, thinking I didn’t need a break. I gave myself so much to do in so little time that it drove me crazy.

Winter vacation has been a good break for me because its really given me time off to just relax and not think about anything. However, school is starting next week and I’m not sure how my last two quarters of UCLA are going to go. I want to enjoy them, I really do, but I know I’m go through that roller coaster again. I have so much to do in so little time before I graduate. I just hope I don’t fall off.

Accepting somebody into my life is one of the most difficult things I’ve done. At the end of the day, we have to take the time to learn, understand, remember, and live.

act of kindness

Today, this little old japanese lady that I volunteer with at the hospital surprised me with a bag full of snacks for finals. The simple paper bag, with red and green tissue paper on top, was filled with trail mix, pretzels, dried banana chips, chocolate, and cookies from Trader Joe’s (it was heavy!). She said it was a little present for Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas. She also said I would probably need it during finals week.

I was so surprised when she gave it to me because it was completely unexpected. I haven’t known her for a long time yet she went out of her way to think of me and even buy me something.

I couldn’t thank her enough and I even awkwardly asked her for a hug. It wasn’t much but it was definitely the best present I got this year.

a hundred thousand dollars later and

The thought of graduating scares me. I’ve been in school for so long that I don’t know what I’d do without it. I am afraid of not belonging somewhere with something to do.. I am afraid of getting stuck in a limbo.

the present

“Does it scare you sometimes that we both don’t know where this is going?”

“No,”

She said.

Home

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the idea of home. What is a home? How does a home determine who we are? I’ve had the privilege of growing up in the same little house my entire life. I never had to pack my things up and move out until I went to college, but even then I had a home I could return to. Home was where I could escape from my fast paced, stressful life in LA. It was a place where I didn’t have to worry about school or room mates or drama. I have grown and changed throughout the years, but my house always stayed the same.

My parents recently moved into a new home this year. It’s literally their dream home; it’s a beautiful house with more rooms than they can use and with a backyard that overlooks the whole city. They’ve been living there for a couple months but they tell me that it’s still surreal to them. My dad tells me that he wakes up in the morning and wonders if he really is living there. My mom sometimes feels like they’re just on vacation.

It’s surreal because our old home in Lakewood was a very special place. For my parents, it’s where they settled for more than two decades. It was in the city where they first met, fell in love, and started a family. It was where they started the American dream. For me, it’s where I was born and raised. I have memories from every corner of that house from when I was a kid to when I started college. I grew up in the city and knew everything about it. All of my friends, colleagues, teachers, and coworkers are from there. It was a big part of me.

When I drove to the new house for the first time, I realized everything I knew and loved at “home” was suddenly no longer home. Home was a new, foreign place, a place where I didn’t know anything or anybody. I had no where to identify with anymore. 

I thought that transitioning would be hard, that it’d take me months or years to accept this new place as a home. However, I realized something upon seeing my parents so happy with their new house: Home is and will always be where my parents are. Home is where the heart is. Home is where my family is.

hand drip

I had a conversation about coffee with my friend Joshua today. He asked me what I thought of when I thought of coffee. “Caffeine, roasting, espresso, lattes.” I’ve obviously never thought much about coffee - it was just something people drank for the caffeine or the taste. To my good friend Josh, it means a lot of things.

Josh is my age and works at a coffee shop as a barista. When I first met him a couple of months ago, I asked him if he was in school and what he wanted to do. He laughed and said “I haven’t been in school for a long time. I really want to become a professional coffee barista.” I thought it was interesting then but I never really gave it much thought.

Josh told me all about coffee today: where it’s from, how it’s roasted, how its acidity affects its flavor, how to drink it, etc. He knows everything about it but he wants to learn even more. He told me why he loves coffee and why he pursues it. His love for the art of coffee was so apparent that it took me by surprise. I was impressed at the way he talked about coffee. I was inspired by how passionate he was about it. He has so much enthusiasm and passion for something as simple as coffee that it shows.

Have I ever impressed someone in such a way? Has my passion for the sciences or medicine or anything ever shown through so much that it impressed or, better yet, inspired someone else? I hope it will.

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Joshua has a hand dripped coffee competition coming up (I didn’t even know those existed) and he’s been practicing for it. I’ll be there to support.

Don’t congratulate me just yet - I’m barely getting started.